This morning has been hard. Many firsts, not getting up having to step over Zoey. Not letting her out first thing, not giving her medicine and treats, and not having her here to pet and love on.
Reminders are everywhere.
Her many beds, her hair on the floor, medicines in the cabinet, treats and kibble in the pantry… just her, my soulmate, missing from my life.
She was in every part of my life. Since I work from my home studio, I am home most of the time. It’s so quiet now it’s deafening. Her little sounds, the clicking of her nails on the floor, her snoring, now just silence.
I wonder what the cats think with her not here? As I look outside towards her grave, it’s hard to believe she’s gone. I question everything, did I do enough? Did I put her down too soon? It’s heart wrenching.
This afternoon I find myself doing anything to try and stay busy.
Housework is a welcome but brief respite to rid my mind from tortured thoughts of her. I wander around not knowing what to do with myself.
Luckily, for me I needed to drive into town to pick up paintings from a recent show at Hoosier Salon. Having to explain my puffy eyes and face makes it worse. Fighting the tears is useless. Kleenex is in every pocket and I’m a horrible site. I don’t care at this point.
Grief is ugly.
The evening has been just as difficult. Each time I open a door, I instinctively look down to make sure I don’t step on her.
I keep thinking I’m hearing her get up from the floor. Was that her toenails clicking? Of course that’s not what it is.
Thoughts of the Stephen King book, Pet Sematary, cross my mind. I shudder, and force myself to think of something else. Morbid thoughts always seem to intrude my mind. It’s just me.
It’s rained and drizzled all day, it’s been foggy as well. I think about her outside all by herself. She hated being alone. I briefly wonder if she’s cold and lonely out there. Then try to think of something else.
In my heart, I know her soul, her sweet spirit isn’t in the ground. I only hope that if her spirit is around, she finds her way to me. My friend Lisa of The Story River commented yesterday that she hopes Zoey comes to me in my dreams. Oh I really hope so, too.
My phone alarm goes off, a reminder for her medicine. It’s been a long hard day. Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve and we’re planning to celebrate with friends. Celebrating seems wrong.
Last night, as exhausted as I was, I didn’t sleep well. I’m hoping tonight will be better and maybe I’ll get lucky and she’ll visit me in my dreams.
Learn more about me on the ‘About’ page under the additional links menu. I’m an artist – a painter mostly and an avid gardener. I paint a variety of subjects including birds, koi fish, my gardens, ponds and flowers as well as anything having to do with nature especially trees and tropical scenes. I also enjoy painting abstracts and have started created more and more of them. My most favorite thing to try to achieve in my painting is is mystery and telling mystical stories.
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