Representational painting of turbulent ocean and sky

Today I attended the 6th funeral in 3 years. Death and I are getting very acquainted with one another. Even though the funeral I attended today was not family, she was the grandmother of a dear friend and my heart hurts for her today as well as for myself. I was on the fence as to attend or not. I wanted to be there for my friend, but six? Really?

For me, funerals and weddings always make me cry. I simply cannot escape the tears. Even before my sweet mother died, I couldn’t hold it together at a funeral. It started when I was 19 and lost my grandma, my mother’s mother. We were very close. And now? Well, it’s even worse. With each organ rendition of Amazing Grace, I sit there and relive my mother’s funeral and death even. I cry and cry and cry. It’s embarrassing, really. All that crying and snotting. I do not cry pretty. I can be quite inconsolable.

I’ve been told more than once I’m over-emotional. I would have to agree with that statement. I feel things so incredibly deeply that it physically hurts. You’ll never cry alone with me around. My mom always said I wear my heart on my sleeve, but now I think it’s moved to just dangle around on the ground with veins hanging on by a thread with an interstate to my tear ducts. It has gotten worse. Maybe it’s my age but I swear after I had my son things just changed. I would cry during tissue commercials. Oh and don’t even get me started on those sad sad animal commercials. What is happening to me?!

I’m quite tired of having Death knocking. Hell, he’s not knocking, he just walks right in. He’s such a bully. A thief in the night. A cruel thorn in a beautiful rose of a life. But sometimes he is a welcome visitor. But don’t stay too long Beautiful Death. Lest we forget who you are and get too intimate with you.

Occasionally, I feel to have but one reason to live, I feel so lost most days without my mom. Still. But then I remember a way. I manage to find a way. Sweet Death leave me. Now is not my time. I watch as you take those around me, but know this. I see you. I know you. And I am not afraid of you.

Death still waits.

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