Have you ever had an event happen in your life that left you well… lifeless? Maybe lifeless isn’t the right word, maybe feeling numb is more appropriate. I’ve recently had such an event and it’s not only left me feeling numb, but also has left me questioning so much in my world.
The shock of it all has worn off now, I think. I’m left here though in this strange place somewhere between thankfulness and horror. I’ve found myself unable to produce any art for some reason. I did do a live painting session with my artist friends last weekend, but I wasn’t able to produce much. That painting, left unfinished, leans against the wall.
Painting or drawing has long been my way of coping with things that are going on in my life – or feelings I’m having trouble dealing with. It’s as natural to me as doodling while on the phone yet I’m somehow frozen in this state of trying to keep myself busy with mundane tasks as if I’m avoiding my studio. I find myself zoning out while my mind is still reeling from how lucky we actually were and how it could’ve ended up differently.
I know when I’m able to bring myself to it, my emotions will come flooding out on canvas or paper. Maybe that’s why I’m scared to confront it. Because in the back of my mind, I know I’ve pushed it down to appear strong and held together when really I’m hiding my fears and I just want to go and cry in the fetal position even though everything has turned out alright. The emotion hasn’t been released yet.
This event I’m going on about involves my son. Over the July 4th holiday I got the call every parent is scared to get, your child has been in an accident and is headed for the emergency room. He was in a motorcycle accident (dirt bike).
I’ll start by saying he’s okay now and I can’t go into much detail because it’s his story to tell and he’s not into me sharing his personal business. But this has impacted me strongly and I write about it in hopes of dealing with it better myself.
I’ve always wore my heart on my sleeve, and find comfort in talking about things with friends as a way to decompress. His wounds are healing and bones are mending, but scars will remain not only on his beautiful face but in my heart. A new fear has been placed in me and I don’t think it’ll ever leave.
It’s like that fear that you get the moment your child is born and you worry that something will take them away from you, that the worst could happen. I know I’m not the only one who thinks this way, I can’t be. Your life forever revolves around keeping your child safe.
Now I know you’re wondering so I’ll tell you yes, he was wearing a helmet and safety gear. Yet with this accident, the only part of his head/face that wasn’t covered by the helmet is the part that hit a rock while going about 45 mph. He had a concussion, fractured orbital bone, fractured wrist, face lacerations and he almost lost his eye.
Just writing this, it feels like it happened to someone else which might explain the feeling numb part. However those hours in the emergency room filled with uncertainty concerning his internal injuries or brain injury is still right there and remind me it was us, not someone else. Somehow I held it together. Thankfully, those x-rays and CT scans came back with good results and no major damage.
Some friends say boys will be boys. Yes, I know that’s true but when it happens to your child that brings little solace. Especially when you can’t remove the image of your child laying in the emergency room with a neck brace, bloody with wires hooked up to him, machines beeping, part of his skull showing and his face so swollen half of it doesn’t look like him.
What has brought me a little comfort has been my garden and a few friends that know what happened. Just watching the birds and the different flowers coming into bloom along with the beginning of the butterflies returning to Studio Gardens has been relaxing. And ahh… my koi fish pond… watching them is always a way to de-stress for me.
This kid has been on some sort of atv most of his life. See this post when he was just 4 years old! He’s a good rider, kids heal fast… but accidents happen. I know it won’t be long and his last doctor, the ortho doctor will release him. He is itching to ride again. Him and his dad are planning another ride. For me, that will be a day I’ll have a hard time getting through.
I know that when you fall off the horse, you’ve got to get back up on the saddle again. So, I have to live with that. You can’t live your life in fear of what might happen. I can’t live in fear of getting another phone call. Yet, something has changed in me.
I need to get back on the horse again, too. My studio being that horse. My hope is that writing this will be the beginning of cracking that shell of fear that was so quickly formed around me.
Learn more about me on the ‘About’ page under the additional links menu. I’m an artist – a painter mostly and an avid gardener. I paint a variety of subjects including birds, koi fish, my gardens, ponds and flowers as well as anything having to do with nature especially trees and tropical scenes. I also enjoy painting abstracts and have started created more and more of them. My most favorite thing to try to achieve in my painting is is mystery and telling mystical stories.
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