Have you ever had an event happen in your life that left you well… lifeless? Maybe lifeless isn’t the right word, maybe feeling numb is more appropriate. I’ve recently had such an event and it’s not only left me feeling numb, but also has left me questioning so much in my world.
The shock of it all has worn off now, I think. I’m left here though in this strange place somewhere between thankfulness and horror. I’ve found myself unable to produce any art for some reason. I did do a live painting session with my artist friends last weekend, but I wasn’t able to produce much. That painting, left unfinished, leans against the wall.
Painting or drawing has long been my way of coping with things that are going on in my life – or feelings I’m having trouble dealing with. It’s as natural to me as doodling while on the phone yet I’m somehow frozen in this state of trying to keep myself busy with mundane tasks as if I’m avoiding my studio. I find myself zoning out while my mind is still reeling from how lucky we actually were and how it could’ve ended up differently.
I know when I’m able to bring myself to it, my emotions will come flooding out on canvas or paper. Maybe that’s why I’m scared to confront it. Because in the back of my mind, I know I’ve pushed it down to appear strong and held together when really I’m hiding my fears and I just want to go and cry in the fetal position even though everything has turned out alright. The emotion hasn’t been released yet.
This event I’m going on about involves my son. Over the July 4th holiday I got the call every parent is scared to get, your child has been in an accident and is headed for the emergency room. He was in a motorcycle accident (dirt bike).
I’ll start by saying he’s okay now and I can’t go into much detail because it’s his story to tell and he’s not into me sharing his personal business. But this has impacted me strongly and I write about it in hopes of dealing with it better myself.
I’ve always wore my heart on my sleeve, and find comfort in talking about things with friends as a way to decompress. His wounds are healing and bones are mending, but scars will remain not only on his beautiful face but in my heart. A new fear has been placed in me and I don’t think it’ll ever leave.
It’s like that fear that you get the moment your child is born and you worry that something will take them away from you, that the worst could happen. I know I’m not the only one who thinks this way, I can’t be. Your life forever revolves around keeping your child safe.
Now I know you’re wondering so I’ll tell you yes, he was wearing a helmet and safety gear. Yet with this accident, the only part of his head/face that wasn’t covered by the helmet is the part that hit a rock while going about 45 mph. He had a concussion, fractured orbital bone, fractured wrist, face lacerations and he almost lost his eye.
Just writing this, it feels like it happened to someone else which might explain the feeling numb part. However those hours in the emergency room filled with uncertainty concerning his internal injuries or brain injury is still right there and remind me it was us, not someone else. Somehow I held it together. Thankfully, those x-rays and CT scans came back with good results and no major damage.
Some friends say boys will be boys. Yes, I know that’s true but when it happens to your child that brings little solace. Especially when you can’t remove the image of your child laying in the emergency room with a neck brace, bloody with wires hooked up to him, machines beeping, part of his skull showing and his face so swollen half of it doesn’t look like him.
What has brought me a little comfort has been my garden and a few friends that know what happened. Just watching the birds and the different flowers coming into bloom along with the beginning of the butterflies returning to Studio Gardens has been relaxing. And ahh… my koi fish pond… watching them is always a way to de-stress for me.
This kid has been on some sort of atv most of his life. See this post when he was just 4 years old! He’s a good rider, kids heal fast… but accidents happen. I know it won’t be long and his last doctor, the ortho doctor will release him. He is itching to ride again. Him and his dad are planning another ride. For me, that will be a day I’ll have a hard time getting through.
I know that when you fall off the horse, you’ve got to get back up on the saddle again. So, I have to live with that. You can’t live your life in fear of what might happen. I can’t live in fear of getting another phone call. Yet, something has changed in me.
I need to get back on the horse again, too. My studio being that horse. My hope is that writing this will be the beginning of cracking that shell of fear that was so quickly formed around me.
⬅︎ Painting my gardens with friends / Live Painting at Franklin St. Pizza Factory ➡
Learn more about me on the ‘About’ page under the additional links menu. I’m an artist – a painter mostly and an avid gardener. I paint a variety of subjects including birds, koi fish, my gardens, ponds and flowers as well as anything having to do with nature especially trees and tropical scenes. I also enjoy painting abstracts and have started created more and more of them. My most favorite thing to try to achieve in my painting is is mystery and telling mystical stories.
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Love you, sister! I can only imagine how terrifying everything has been. You are strong and you’ll work through this. 💗 So glad he is ok! Let me know if I can help in any way.
Thank you so much Lori!<3
Oh, so many things to say here. I know what you are going through, in some ways. Be prepared that it may take some time to get back to painting, and don’t try to rush or force it. Don’t be surprised if your painting changes, as a reflection of the trauma and deeper fears. Do allow yourself to not paint, to spend time with the fish, or other places that allow you to breathe. The art hasn’t gone away forever, trust me. It’s just right now, another part of your brain needs to find comfort before the creative side can come back. Pay close attention to the little, tiny increments of time where you realize you’ve been able to take a breath, and concentrate on those things. As far as your son, nothing will take away that deeper fear you now carry. We all carry that fear as soon as our kids are born, like you say here, but now it’s deeper, and darker in a way. Our brains start doing the ‘what if’ every time the kid walks out the door. Again, it’s going to take time to learn how to manage that fear. Just like it took time to learn how to manage the vulnerability when they were first born. You’re basically experiencing that new mom birth fear again, only stronger. Your son may have some of the same fears now that he has learned he’s not immortal. Then again, he may not! It seems like they think they’re immortal until they are in their twenties. Or thirties…but maybe the two of you can talk about these new vulnerabilities. You’ll know if that’s the right thing to do. For now, think of this as almost a period of grieving and be gentle with yourself.
Oh my goodness Lisa, I think you are right! I am going through that new mom fear again and it is stronger. Sometimes, it’s so much more clear to see what is happening when you’re not so close to it. I hadn’t thought of this. You have given such good advice here. I have been running around crazy with the many doctor visits and then follow ups and today was the last. He has been released. It’s amazing and horrifying to me that he now has the green light already. I will take your advice and be gentle with myself, what choice do I have? Thankfully, I really do meditate while being outside and with nature and it truly does soothe my soul – I know you feel the same. He and I are going to have a little heart to heart as you suggest… my poor heart can only take so much. Thank you my friend.
Oh dear Jaime, I thought you’d been laying low and I was missing you. I am sorry to hear your son was injured. I hope he is healing well and thankful he did not lose his eye or limbs. Much love to you my dear friend. Call me if you ever need to chat. I am here for you.
Thank you Robin. Yes, I’ve been lurking everywhere but haven’t had the mental ability to do much in the way of participating. I’m re-joining slowly as I know I can’t just fall off like this but it’s been hard. I’ve been having bad dreams but I really think finally talking about it is really helping me. I already feel a weight off knowing he’s been released today from doctors care but also a bit of nervousness – he’s ready to jump back at it. Knowing the support is ready at my request with friends like you makes me feel better. Thank you dear friend.
Oh Jaime I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I am so happy that Asher is ok !!! What a scary time to go through but he’s got his Mamas strength and determination to get back out there and you will too. Give yourself time and enjoy all those sweet things in your garden, I know you do. 💐😘
Thank you so much Sandra! I see you and your beautiful family and know you’re having to let your adult children go and live their life. Your son going off… I feel for you but we know we have to let them spread their wings, don’t we? I’d love that big hug, you’ve been through a lot with me. Thank you for being there my sweet friend.
So sorry that your son experienced such a traumatic accident – and I can imagine it was just as bad for you. Wishing you both a complete recovery from the experience.
Thank you Jason. I think it was actually worse for me, it is quite scary not being able to do anything but watch as the emergency room medical professionals work on your son. Thankfully, being just 14, he is already healed! Ah the benefits of youth, right? I am still plagued with visions of his wounds but I hope that fades sooner than his scars. I appreciate your thoughts my friend.