Let me start by saying I’m posting this out of a combination of self doubt, possible seasonal affective disorder, depression and utter frustration with my technical knowledge and skill level. Okay, I’m guessing on the seasonal affective disorder but it could be the reason why I’ve been down lately besides thinking about my mom a lot more than normal lately. Funny how sometimes grief can come rushing back to you. Four and a half years of trying to live without her and unexpectedly I back peddle to day one of mourning.
ANYWAY…. back to painting nine. Painting #9 started out like normal, as a sketch. Then just as I started adding paint, I suddenly felt like I had no idea what to do next or really how to even start adding color. Defeat washed over me. I am a self taught artist as some may know and I’ve not had any technical classes other than some drawing and a perspective class twenty years ago to get my degree in Visual Communications. I really want to take workshops as I don’t feel art school would be something I can do at this stage in my life but haven’t found any close by that yet. So all my learning thus far has been through watching Youtube videos, a few books on painting and just plain ol’ pick up a brush and do it with varying degrees of success.
Today, I just couldn’t shake this bad feeling. I felt like a phony… imatation. Who do I think I am calling myself an artist? Will I ever figure this out? Will my paintings ever look as good as all the other artists on the 30 in 30 site? Disgust soon followed. I know it’s not very good business to share your failures but I felt like maybe if I get this off my chest I can get past it. Maybe I can let it go and perhaps someone reading this has felt the same and can drag me out of the abyss I have fallen into. Eventually, I got so discouraged I just slapped black and purple paint all over the sketch.
Several hours later… and a pep talk from friend Robin Pedrero I am feeling foolish. Now, I wish I hadn’t have given up so easily… and I sure wish I hadn’t painted over the sketch but what’s done is done. There is no “undo” on this… no command z. Wouldn’t that be nice in real life if we did something we immediately regretted if we could just say undo or make the little command z gesture with our fingers? I find myself doing that in my mind sometimes… it doesn’t work.
Today I give myself a pass. There is no finished painting 9 and it is okay, I am not going to give into any more negativity today. I’m going to stop being so hard on myself. I’m doing the 30 in 30 challenge to help me become a better artist and it will happen. I just need to be kind to myself and have peace. I have learned that from Leslie Saeta. Tomorrow is another day.
Hang in there it took me a year to make my Baby Crow quilt. Sometimes you have to walk away to see it. Plus never hurts to try another project for distraction. Forgive yourself it will be wonderful when done. But that is another day. R
Well thank you, I know you’re right. When I wake up tomorrow, maybe I’ll have a new insight.
Jaime I hear what you’re saying. I’ve gone through similar feelings of self-doubt and recriminations and know how overwhelming it can be. Don’t give up, But cut yourself some slack. You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself by committing to doing a painting the day. I admire you for your courage. Painting can be scary work because it comes from your heart and is the best that you can do, so it is scary to put it out there for people to potentially criticize or reject. It’s like putting your inner self out there for people to look at. But perhaps our harshest critic really is the voice in our head and heart that likes to repeat criticisms we’ve heard in the past, and that likes to compare us to others and then tell us that we don’t measure up. Its hard to realize that those doubts are just doubts, not facts. and everyone has doubts. And it’s normal and ok. Sometimes you just have to say “ok, I need a break, I’m walking away.” An it’s hard to accept our own limitations. it’s *ok* to have a painting not turn out. That has been hard lesson for me to accept and really absorb into my heart. But it’s part of being gentle with yourself and it can be very freeing. I tended to just hide paintings that I felt didn’t turn out “good enough”. (But it’s hard to do that if you’re committed to showing the world a painting a day.) But I am trying to just *own* that the painting didn’t turn out, didn’t meet my expectations, but that it’s okay because I did my best and I learned something from it. I know I learn with every single painting I do. I learn what works, what doesn’t work and what I need to tweak and then try again.
Be gentle with yourself. You deserve it. You are obviously a very kind and gentle person who supports the people around you , even random strangers on the internet. Extend that kindness to yourself. You are good. You are worthy and you are a *real* artist 🙂 Take a break, do something fun and come back to the canvas when you feel fresh!
And maybe try something that seems too easy. Sometimes when I’m discouraged I choose to paint something that is easy for me. Something I’ve done before and that I am comfortable with. Usually a simple landscape. It’s a bit like hitting the restart button for me because it’s almost mindless. It’s a chance to regroup, clear out the negative thoughts and do something that I can almost do on autopilot. It’s a bit of a mental palate cleanser.
Grief is an inevitable part of loving. grieve your Mom whenever you feel it. It’s ok. It’s part of being sensitive and in touch with your feelings. It’s part of being authentic and real. It’s healing to cry. When I lost my beloved dog, Hugin, I told the story over and over to anyone who would listen, I told it for years. And initially I would be a sobbing mess every time I told the story, but with each telling I was coming to terms more with the loss. 8 1/2 years later I can tell the story without crying (sometimes) and I no longer feel the compulsion to tell the story all the time. But I know I haven’t talked about my Dad much, I just swallow it down. I’ve avoided feeling the grief. And three years later its still an open wound. I’m no expert but I think it’s the talking and crying and feeling the grief that helps us get better 🙂
And I’m sending you cyber hugs from one of those random internet strangers (me)
Tina
Dear Tina,
You have no idea how this letter from you touched my heart. Even though I tried to fight it, feelings and emotions won… tears streamed down my checks as I read it and get it, I get what you’re saying and I know its truth. You and I seem to be on the same page. Creativity and expression is so personal and deep and you are right, putting it out there is frightening and not only that it can be excruciating and exhilarating at the same time. We fear the negative thoughts of others, yet forget usually it can be us with the negative thoughts, we plant the seed of fear, don’t we?
I will take your advice and paint more simply for a little while. I think that is a good idea. I didn’t even do my painting yesterday (Saturday). Maybe with more simple paintings, I’ll be able to catch up but if I don’t it’s alright.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your father and Hugin. I believe your grief will surface when it needs to. For some reason, mine surfaces often. I have tried to push it down, like you, but I cannot. I’m just a weepy, heart on sleeve person and have tissues everywhere including my car because it can be a simple warm tear, just a watering of the eyes or yes the big ol’ ugly cry at any time. The older I get the more sensitive I get. Sometimes I hate it that I cannot control it, as I am embarrassed. But I guess it is just who I am becoming.
Thank you so much Tina for such a warm, heart felt inspiration. It has helped me tremendously. It makes me feel so good to know that you think of me the way you do and that I somehow encouraged you.
Jaime
Being a fellow self-taught artist Jaime. I’ve been there. Then I remembered that when I worked as a software engineer (my professional training) and I had a day when I couldn’t get things to work, I just admitted it was a bad day. I didn’t question my training or myself. We need, as self taught artists, to allow ourselves bad days without all the soul-searching and questioning. Just like someone with professional training would do. If you need to learn something, it’s wisdom to recognize it and go learn it (that would be the professional’s response). Otherwise, it’s just an off day or week and everyone has those.
Thank you Rose, that is a great way of looking at it! I love that and I like you I had professional training in another but similar profession (graphic design) and I was having an off day. It’s much easier to recognize that now two days later, but in the moment it’s hard to step back in the “heat of the moment”. Thank you for reminding me of that and I agree that I should stop soul-searching when things go wrong. I appreciate your thoughts. 🙂
Hang in there Jaime, we can do this. I am pretty sure that discouragement is part of the 30 day challenge… as much as triumph will surely be at the end.
Hi Joanne! You are right, we can do this! I agree with you, I think discouragement might just be part of the challenge and so is pulling ourselves out of it. I really am learning so much from it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I’m pretty sure you get to count this as a painting! I remember walking through the big art museum in Cincinnati and there on a wall beside a doorway hung a completely solid white canvas. And it had instructions on refreshing the white as needed. Wow.
So if that thing was hanging in a museum, I totally think you get to count this one (even if you paint over it).
I am a complete painting novice, with a modest amount of experience with pen and ink. And like you I feel like everyone else at the challenge is an expert. But it’s not true! I have visited a whole bunch of them and lots say the same thing. So try not to worry so much. Spend the energy improving your art! 😀
Ah Cindy! You are a gem. Thank you for your encouraging words about my solid dark canvas… haha.. I love it. You know, I have read a lot of others posts and have noticed some uncertainty as well. It’s hard to remember this whenever you’re feeling sorry for yourself 😉 hahah… I’m over myself now and in a much happier place today.
Oh Jaime, what a great group of supporters you have here! Such wonderful advice from everyone! It doesn’t matter if you’ve painted 30 paintings with no instruction or 30,000 with a master’s degree in art, frustration and dissatisfaction are all part of the artist’s package. It means you are growing and learning. Just keep going. It will definitely be worth it in the end. (I will send you a packet of (very forgiving) Yupo paper if you’d like to give it a try! Just email me at: sandy@sandysandy.com with your address.) Use this time to experiment. An instructor once told me, ” You will never be satisfied with your work, because your knowledge will always surpass your skill.” That’s what we artists are all doing trying to do here, improve our skill, no matter what level we are at. So, toughen up and keep those brushes wet! “The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground. “
Oh Sandy you are so kind. I would love to take you up on your offer of the Yupo paper. I have been looking at all of your wonderful paintings and wondered how it was to paint on Yupo. I know you are right, I need to keep painting and work past all the doubts and dissatisfactions in my self, I realize they will come and go. My dad has told me the very same thing as you (he is an artist as well), that because we are learning and getting better… hopefully forever… we will be dissatisfied with our work. I had not thought about what you’re past instructor said until now, but now that I do think about it, wow! how true is that! We may know how to do something but it doesn’t mean that we can actually do it well (like how I see my vision in my mind) My hand just isn’t as proficient as my mind, haha. But that won’t ever stop me from trying.
I tell you what, my network of online friends as well as my local art friends who “get it” are my life-line. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have friends willing to pick me up when I’m down and encourage me to keep going. I know I wouldn’t be as inspired as I am. I only hope that I am as encouraging to them as they are to me. The internet has made this such a fantastic time to be an artist, hasn’t it? And I’m so glad that I can now add you to my list of inspiring and uplifting friends 🙂 I really am glad our paths have crossed.
Jaime